How to fight better

The most common thing couples say in a counselling session is some version of "we have a communication problem." Yet many couples are not quite sure what that means. It is easy to put every argument, irritation and difference down to a communication breakdown, and harder to notice the moments when communication is actually working.

Poor communication is usually something we have learned, and it can become a habit. The good news is that if communication is a skill, it can be relearned. Here are three things you and your partner can try in order to fight better and reach a more positive outcome.

Tip 1: Notice your tone, your words and your body

In your next conversation, pay attention to three things: the tone you use, the words you choose, and the tension in your jaw, face and brow. Adjusting some or all of these can make the whole exchange easier.

The first thing that derails most communication is a raised voice. Ironically, the louder we get, the faster we stop being heard. Saying the same thing more loudly only helps if the problem is physical distance. Otherwise, volume rarely makes us better understood.

Tip 2: Change the words, not the volume

As soon as you notice your voice rising, tell yourself: "I need to use different words." Repeating the same words louder gets you nowhere. Pause, and find another way to say what you mean.

If a disagreement feels like déjà vu, it usually means the same issue keeps resurfacing. When that happens, both partners need to step back and look at it differently. Rather than pushing on with the same conversation, start a new one about why the issue never seems to resolve. If every conversation about money turns heated, for instance, stop talking about the money itself and ask: what is it about this that touches a nerve? Then share that with each other.

Tip 3: Stop, and look up

Sometimes, in the middle of an argument, simply stop. Set the issue aside for a moment, look your partner in the eye, and ask: "What is holding us back from ever reaching a resolution?" Often that question surfaces the real issue and shifts your focus to what actually matters.

Changing long-held habits takes practice, but one small change can make a surprising difference. When you understand how the pieces fit together, you can start to make real progress in your relationship.