The relationship check-in

Many of us talk to our partner every day, but talking and connecting are not quite the same thing. Meaningful conversation is what keeps commitment and intimacy alive, and because our close relationships matter so much to our wellbeing, it is worth being intentional about it.

Small talk versus meaningful conversation

In couples therapy, one question often asked is how much time a couple spends talking. Most say, "Oh, a lot." But on a closer look, much of it turns out to be logistics: messages about the kids, what's for dinner, the errands that need doing. Asked when they last sat down to talk about how they feel, their hopes and their goals, many admit it has been a long while.

A meaningful conversation is one that creates or strengthens an emotional connection between you. A simple test: would you have this conversation if other people were in the room? If yes, it may not be the kind of intimate exchange that brings you closer as a couple.

How to have one

Put your phones away for twenty minutes and turn off the TV. Carve out the time to find out how your partner is really doing and how you can strengthen things together. A few ground rules help:

• Only one person speaks at a time, with no interrupting.
• Stay with one topic at a time.
• Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. Instead of "you don't listen to me," try "I feel that you're distracted when we talk."

A template to check in

You can use these prompts together:

1. Love languages: find out how each of you most feels loved, and talk about how you can show love in your partner's language.
2. Your expectations: one thing your partner could do this week to help you feel appreciated.
3. Their expectations: one thing you could do this week to help them feel appreciated.
4. Moments you felt unsupported: is there a pattern? How might your partner support you better? For example, you might agree to say when you're feeling overwhelmed, and they might agree to set down what they're doing and help.

Make it a habit

Aim to check in like this regularly, perhaps weekly. At first it can feel strange to give a conversation some structure, but most couples find that once it becomes familiar, they grow more aware of what they are doing well together and what they could do better.