Social media: do's and don'ts

Social media is hard to escape. It has changed the way we connect with each other and with the world. Alongside the upsides, it can also create real difficulties in a relationship. Two concerns come up again and again in counselling: the time we spend on it, and online affairs.

Time spent on social media

On an ordinary workday it can be hard to find time for yourself, let alone your partner, and even in those few quiet moments the phone is usually close by.

It is hard to ignore the ping of a notification or a like. It only takes a few seconds to glance at it, but to your partner that small gesture can say something larger: "I am prioritising my phone over you." Over time that can quietly wear on a relationship, especially if they catch you smiling at something on the screen.

For the sake of your relationship, try putting the phone away for at least thirty minutes. Use the time to genuinely connect: talk about your day, your thoughts and your plans, and share a moment or two together.

Online affairs

Staying connected has never been easier, whether to a parent, a best friend, or an old flame. A number of people come to therapy because a partner has reconnected with a former love, and often the other partner only finds out once the friendship has already become intimate.

Online affairs are common, and emotional infidelity can be just as hurtful and damaging as a physical one. A simple question often cuts to the heart of it: was it done in secret? If you found yourself hiding the behaviour, or lying about it, some part of you already sensed it was a problem. In a relationship, it helps to hold yourself to the same expectations you hold your partner to.

A social media agreement

It can help to agree some clear, shared guidelines for how you each use social media.

• Decide together how much time feels reasonable, and protect some phone-free time each day to spend with each other.
• Talk through the specifics. You might be fine with your partner liking an ex's holiday photo but not their selfies. Discuss the scenarios that matter to you both.
• Keep your habits open and accountable. You should have no problem with your partner glancing over your shoulder. Do not let curiosity harden into suspicion.